Low Fidelity

[Warning: unavoidable sailor talk follows.]

Swoon’s Paige McGuire (aka Miss Domestic) put a unique challenge (which is like a meme, only a lot tougher) out on her site last week. When replies were slow coming in, she posted a "friendly" reminder that named names. And that’s how I ended up spending all my free time thinking about how I could make -

THE SHITTIEST MIX TAPE EVER.

Her rules:

• 5 Songs
• Cover art optional but encouraged!
• All the mixes will be listed here on Monday [05.26.06] with links back to you if you’ve also posted about it on your site, and the winner will be determined by popular vote
• mp3s of the tracks (or at least a few) is good, if you need help finding songs, let me know

Others who already submitted their mix have added their own rules, so I’ll add one too: unlike the other mixes I’ve seen so far, my mix will not contain shitty songs. It will be a mix of quality songs that sound shitty in the context of the mix tape. Poor form rather than poor content.

Mix tapes are meant to do two things: school the recipient and entertain the recipient. Finding the perfect balance between the two is the hardest part of making the mix. Good intentions mean nothing if the tape’s just going to ended up in that unreachable spot between the dashboard and the windshield that you know tapes can't possibly just “slip” into, no matter what the recipient claims. (I mean, really, don't they know that it could get ruined up there?!?)

Since the majority of my mix tapes were created for the missus (and still are, on the increasingly rare occasion that I make one), it’s her reaction that I’m imagining while I compile this mix. And believe me, I'm very familiar with her reaction to shitty mix tapes.

Here we go (remember - quality songs/shitty mix):

“Big Time Sensuality” – Björk [Download]

You've got to start off with a sure-fire winner - and who doesn’t like Icelandic pop?

“Such Great Heights (John Tejada Remix)” – The Postal Service [Download]

Show the recipient that you’re hip to the freshest beats and most obscure bands of today's alt-rock scene by including a tune that’s been out for a few years and has turned up on everything from soundtracks to M&M commercials. Just in case the recipient has already heard the song and decided that they don’t like it, your mix tape should include the six-minute dance remix of the song – that’s sure to change their misguided mind.

“Flight Test” – The Flaming Lips [Download]

To guarantee your mix tape has a smooth flow to it, the third song should be ripped right out of its context from a concept album. Try to pick a ditty with a spoken word intro - the more psychedelic-sounding the better.

“I Dream A Highway” – Gillian Welsh [Download]

Include a song is just too beautiful to describe, a sentiment that the recipient would surely agree with if they would just listen - really listen - to the whole song. Then make sure the song clocks in at 15 minutes. Bonus points if the song is melancholic. Double bonus points if it’s melancholic Americana.

"Ignition (R. Kelly cover)" – Bonnie “Prince” Billy [Download]

Lighten things up by ending the mix with a wacky cover, the cruder the better. Ideally the song would provoke a few laughs for the first minute, followed by a steadily increasing desire for it to end - for the love of God, just end already - during the remaining four minutes.

Since it’s only five songs long, the rest of the tape will consist of whatever remains of what was originally recorded on it – most likely a fuzzy mid-80’s King Biscuit Flower Hour concert taped off the radio on your portable tape player during your freshman year of high school.

Which explains the cover art [click to enlarge]:

...

[Front...Back]

[Please note: The mp3s included in this post are for sampling purposes only, and will appear here for a very limited time. If you end up enjoying these songs, I strongly suggest that you purchase the discs from which they came. Except for the R. Kelly original.]

Comments

[Sara J.]

Speaking of R. Kelly, he already made the worst mix tape ever - it's called Trapped in the Closet.