Not In The Cards

First, a few words in my defense: I'd just like to point out that they don't make greeting cards to give to a woman whose birthday happens to fall on Mother's Day. One of my sisters shares her birthday with Baby Jesus and the only sort of cards she receives are the "Happy Christmas Birthday" kind. A sweet little two-fer for the giver: no muss, no fuss.

But, no, nothing that simple for me. Not to mention the fact that my wedding anniversary also falls in May. I'm sure if you looked at a graph of Hallmark's earnings you'd see a huge bump in May, you might think that that was due to Mother's Day, but actually it's due to the fact that the missus receives half of our local CVS card aisle every time the fifth month rolls around.

Usually a last-minute kind of card buyer, this year I was determined to be better prepared. Not long after the calendar flipped into the merry month, I made my annual card pilgrimage. There are few things I hate more than shopping for cards, and anniversary cards are probably the worst.

Sappy cards are out - who talks like that? No go on the non-Shoebox "humor" cards, too - I cannot for the life of me figure out who the target audience is with these. Who gives their spouse a Snoopy card on their anniversary? It's like they're written specifically for married nine-year-olds.

But can you give Shoebox Greetings for an anniversary? The 20% that don't show the husband constantly thinking about sex are very funny, but is very funny what you're going for on your anniversary? It's the worst, truly a no-win situation.

So, like I often do, I ended up buying one of each - one (not-too) sappy, one (Shoebox) funny. (Corny but true - the missus and I ended up exchanging the same sappy card this year. Sweet to the point of sickening, isn't it?).

I ended up finding three Mother's Day cards pretty easily (me + the older boy + the younger boy = 3). You can go for the funny here, but again - too many about naked wives. Not what I want to think about when the word "mother" is on the inside.

By this point I feel like I do at mile 20 of a marathon. I hit the card-buying wall. I decided to split the task into two visits and get the birthday cards another day.

A couple days later I'm at the mall to pick up the missus Mother's Day gift (no birthday gifts this year, just dinner out). I slip into the Hallmark store and boom-boom-boom, I quickly find three Mother's Day cards for her. Chore complete. The end.

Did you notice anything there? Did you catch it?

I'll save you the trouble of having to re-read everything: I got her two helpings of Mother's Day cards and zero birthday cards. So this morning she got three Mother's Day cards with her breakfast-in-bed (personally, I prefer breakfast out on Father's Day). Then, five minutes before we leave for dinner, I get the boys to sign... three more Mother's Day cards! D'oh. I tried to work a little magic with the Sharpie, but, eh, no. (Insert laugh-track here, because it was a move right out of Bumbling Sitcom Dadland, let me tell you.)

So, honey, baby, sweety, I'm sorry (audience sound-track: awwwwww). I tried, really I did. All you need to know is that you're a great mom to the boys, a great wife to an over-grown boy, and you look great for an old lady with two kids. Oh, and that I love you and always will. (awwwwwww).

Happy Birthday, Happy Mother's Day, Happy Anniversary. And Lord help me if I missed anything.

[Image source: deconcept]

Comments

[Ryan]

I feel your pain.

[Karen]

Father's Day cards are the WORST! They're all about golfing, grilling, hogging the remote, and farting. ALL of them.

For the record, Andy gave me the same bday card for 3 years straight. And we do the one-funny/one-sweet card thing too.

[Kelly]

I think you should have found one that said she looked great for an old lady with two kids... That's the sentiment we moms are going for! :)

[Janie]

Reminds me of the time Jeff swore he read the birthday card he bought for me BEFORE he bought it. I gave him numerous chances to come clean before I finally read "Happy Anniversary to my Wife" to him. His excuse? "The guy told me they were all birthday cards. Wait til I see HIM again!" So much for reading.

Then there was the "You're Like a Mother to me" card my precious daughter gave me the very first time she picked out a Christmas card for me by herself. And who supervised that outing to the card shop? Yup, the same guy who claims to read cards before buying them...

[Donna]

And hmmmmm....Jeff was with Pete on our first Christmas together...they both forgot cards for us. Jeff came home with a huge, nice wife card. Pete gave me a "Merry Christmas to Someone Nice to Know".......

[Donna]

Oh Mark...I'll never forget the first birthday card that you picked out for mommy! "Deepest Sympathy" HAHA....true story....you were probably 7 or 8.

[Sara J.]

To be honest, I don't even read the cards my husband buys for me anymore. I just stare at the front for the obligatory 5 seconds, then open it, blink a few times, smile and say, "Thanks, hon!" before I put it down on the counter and forget about it.

I know... I'm horrible!