The Long Cut ...we'll get there eventually

This Little Piggy Went *$%(#*%

Your Long Cut tip of the day:

You know those inferior minivans that make you take the seats out for more room, instead of just having them collapse into the floor like all the cool minivans do?

And you know how those seats weigh like 800 pounds* each?

Try not to drop one of them on your foot.

And if you are going to drop one of those on your foot (which, again, I would not advise), make sure it's not the middle row double seats thingy which weighs like 1600 pounds.*

Nothing broken (at least I don't think so), but it hurts like a mickey fickey to wear shoes.

[* slight exaggerations]

Fire/Sale

You gotta hope this wasn't done intentionally (from the local weekly, the Restrospect of Camden County, NJ):

This blog has now hit a new low: stealing bits from Jay Leno.

Ah, Fourth Amendment, Schmorth Amendment

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

I'm not sure that that right can be voluntarily waived, can it?

Whether it can or not, I still think the stickers are kinda creepy.

Take It Easy On The Guy, It's Not Like He Made An Anti-Semitic Movie Or Anything. Oh... Right.

Gibson enters rehab after DUI arrest

LOS ANGELES, California (CNN) -- Academy Award winning actor-director Mel Gibson entered a rehab program after his arrest on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol, his publicist said Monday.[...]

[TMZ.com] reported that Gibson's alleged remarks included: "(Expletive) Jews. The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world."[...]

Gibson faced accusations of anti-Semitism during the publicity storm that surrounded his 2004 film "The Passion of the Christ." [Anti-Defamation League Director Abraham] Foxman wrote that Gibson's "tirade finally reveals his true self" and shows his previous claims "that he is such a tolerant, loving person, were a sham."

Foxman added, "We would hope that Hollywood now would realize the bigot in their midst and that they will distance themselves from this anti-Semite."

You know, I bet you Cedars-Sinai has a pretty decent addiction program right there in LA, but something tells me Mel wanted to go somewhere else.

I know that by now everyone has heard about this whole stupid event - I'm only commenting on it so that I can proudly state that I have never, ever, watched a Mel Gibson movie. Ever. No Mad Max, no dumb cop-buddy movies, not even Chicken Run, simply because his voice was featured in it.

About ten years ago a coworker noticed that every time he brought up a Gibson movie, I hadn't seen it. We checked online and it was true - somehow I had never suffered through one of Mel's movies. From that day on I made it a life-long goal of mine to avoid ever seeing one of his films. It's not that tough a goal - the guy's not exactly Olivier. The man has never been part of a movie that I had any interest in seeing, and I don't envision that changing anytime soon.

But I'm proud that I didn't like this guy even before he proved himself to be an Jew-hating, Holocaust-minimizing dick. I hated Mel before hating Mel was cool. Hopefully the rest of the world will finally catch up to me.

The smaller headline under the big headline on the CNN story was this:

Charges swirl that actor received special treatment

I don't know about that, but someone definitely gave the jerk a comb before his mugshot.

They're Already Working On Fruit Punch That Comes In A Bleach Bottle

How are candy-makers keeping our children safe?

By teaching them that those things that come in blister packs are sweet, sweet candy. Eat up kids! If you run out, there's always more in the medicine cabinet (just don't tell your parents, they want all that yummy candy for themselves).

I found this in the snack room at work. I haven't tried one yet because I'm not 100% sure that they are candy. Nobody's heard from the guy who did eat one.

Shampoo Radley

The back of the boys' shampoo bottle:

"The Fruity aroma of Cherry-Almond will lure your kids into a world of gentle no-tear shampooing. The conditioner will help stop fly-aways."

Wha? What kind of sick marketing mo-fo thinks that parents would want their kids lured anywhere?

Merriam-Webster: "LURE implies a drawing into danger, evil, or difficulty through attracting and deceiving."

In the world of children's hygiene products, this just might be weirder than that picture of the frog wiping his butt.

I'm A Walking Cliché. Except For The... Uh... Walking Part.

Oh, sure, everybody talks about "falling flat on their face" but how many people actually do it?

Kitchen - mopped.

Chairs - returned.

Floor - slick.

Feet - airborne.

Hands - AWOL.

Face - planted.

Obscenities - screamed.

Glasses - bent.

Pride - wounded.

Floor - victorious.

Me - defeated (and de-feeted - ha!).