The Long Cut ...we'll get there eventually

From Tyco... Of Course

A List of Things Thrown Five Minute Ago invites us to relate our single greatest Christmas present, and then use the beauty of YouTube to illustrate said gift.

I've talked about this gift before (and the fact that I received it on multiple Christmases), but now you'll be able to witness the brainwashing effect of these commercials for yourself. The Internet truly is the most awesomist thing in the world ever (other than the product advertised below, that is).

[Note: I missed the whole "zero-gravity" thing, but I did have the ability to change lanes (which doesn't seem to be available with this set) and, of course, the Nite-Glow. The beautiful, beautiful Nite-Glow (Do you have any idea just how long it took to snap those glowing guardrails onto the track? Completely worth it.). Can you believe they made these sets without the Nite-Glow? What parent would hate their child enough to give them the Tyco but deny them the Nite-Glow?]

Six Ways To Sunday

I saw the above picture on History of the Button (yes, there really is a blog for every single conceivable topic) and was instantly taken back about thirty years. I cannot get over the intense nostalgia I'm feeling right now for this long-forgotten toy that once was my most cherished possession. It's like my Rosebud.

Back in third or fourth grade I played that thing until the buttons were so worn down that they wouldn't respond anymore (I had quite the sedentary childhood). Back then Merlin - one of the original handheld electronic games - was what is now commonly referred to as "the shizzle."

Keep your Mattel Electronic Football with its dopey little dashes, someone find me a Merlin. This just won't do.

Here's the old Merlin ad, in case you've forgotten just how awesome it was. Six electronic games in one! Really fun for (most) everyone in the family!

I like how it took "six penlight batteries." When I was a kid, we didn't have 9V, AA, AAA, C, and D batteries - they came in three sizes: penlight, flashlight, and the kind you put to your tongue when your mom wasn't looking. That's the way it was - and we liked it!

That's Me In The Cellar, That's Him In The Spotlight

We've had the first weekend of football, so let's take a look at where my team stands in my fantasy football league (keep in mind, this is, like, my tenth year doing this):

Yeah, that's last place.

Now let's look at how the nine-year-old is doing (his first time doing the fantasy football thing):

And that would be first place.

It's going to be a long, long season.

Blockhead

A List of Things Thrown Five Minute Ago has a post about the 37-year-old CEO of Lego. Hey, I thought, I'm 37, too. How cool would it be to run Lego? That would just be, like, the most awesomest job in the whole wide wide wide world ever!

Yeah. Too bad the guy's a dick:

Lego's first leader to come from outside the founding family, Knudstorp has also upended Lego's corporate culture, replacing "nurturing the child" as the top priority in Lego's employee mission statement with "I am here to make money for the company."

How touching.

(Ice) Cream Of The Crop

It was hot here in Philadelphia today, but my family seemed to have made the best of it. I stayed away from the TV all day so I don't know exactly how hot it got, but there was some pretty intense heat and humidity. I made sure I got out early (6 am) for a seven-mile run, and it was already too hot.

Anyway, enough about the weather. Today the whole family took a trip into Philly for the Reading Terminal Market Sidewalk Sizzle and Ice Cream Freeze, an outdoor festival highlighting the market's merchants. While it is outside, the block it's on is thankfully in the shade of the large walkway that connects the market to the Reading Headhouse. So we enjoyed unbelievably tasty (and huge) BBQ pork sandwiches from Jack McDavid's Down Home Diner and the boys went in the moon-bounce, rode on a mini-train ride, and got airbrushed tattoos. The festival was one of those rare family events that lived up to the hype.

But the reason we went to this festival was not for rides or the tattoos or the sizzle (BBQ) but for the freeze. Reading Terminal Market is home to Bassetts Ice Cream, America's oldest and no doubt best ice cream company. Bassett's was hosting a ice-cream cone relay and an ice cream eating contest. The cool kind - no spoons, no hands.

The seven-year old was in the first heat. He was pretty good and seemed to have a big fan base, but missed winning by seconds. We could tell he had a ball because he didn't complain about losing. It was great to see him smiling so much.

Then it was my turn.

I strapped on my bib and took one piece of advice from the boy: forget licking, you have to suck the ice cream into your mouth. When the second (and last) heat began, I sucked it in and took large bites of the cold stuff, which stung my teeth and, yes, froze my brain. We were told we couldn't leave any melted ice cream in the bowl so when the time came, I lifted the bowl up with my teeth and let gravity do the rest.

And I won.

Say hello to the reigning ice cream eating contest champion of the Delaware Valley. Now bring on the Wing Bowl.

It's a Symbol of Our Faith (and a Bitchin' Party Favor!)

The missus, being a teacher and all, often buys crafts for her students from Oriental Trading, which sells crappy arts-and-craft and party-bag items cheap and in packs of twelve. She has also bought party favors from them for my sons' parties. The seven-year-old has even saved up his allowance and gotten stuff from them. Thanks to their low-quality, he quickly becomes either bored or frustrated by about the third one. Thanks to their high-quantity, the remaining nine from the set never get used and end up all over our house. We get a catalog from them about, oh, twelve times a week and each one that comes has the seven-year-old salivating. Yesterday he was showing me all the cool Easter party stuff they had.  Do things like the He Lives Beach Ball strike anyone else as being maybe a teeny bit sacrilegious?

No? How about the He Lives Yo-Yo, Pinwheel, Squishy Ball, Football, or Slinky? If those things aren't enough to send the Oriental Trading CEO to Hell, this one's got to get the Father, Son and Holy Spirit pretty cheesed off:

See, sometimes it's not such a bad idea to stick to the secular parts of a religious holiday.

Who is the intended audience for these products? Other than a certain seven-year-old with way too much allowance to spend and those hipsters buying them for their ironic value, there shouldn't be a big demand for these things. The religious should be offended and the non-religious shouldn't be interested. Who's left?

Saturday Night Reviews

Last night  a bunch of neighbors got together for a big snowfall game night. We played Cranium and Outburst, two games I had never played before. Here are some of my thoughts on the night:

1st Flying Fish Extra Pale Ale: Very Good. Love the Flying Fish. Drank it while watching two neighbors (grown men) play a PlayStation 2 Kickboxing game. I still don't get the attraction to these game systems, and I was quite the video geek as a kid (I know, I know, hard to believe I was ever a geek).

Cranium Game: Not that great. Too many weird rules and not enough fun.

Neighbor's Fruit Tart: Mmmmmmmmm.

2nd Flying Fish Extra Pale Ale: Again, very good.

1st round of Outburst: A lot of fun. We played guys vs. girls. A good party game.

1st glass of neighbor's margarita: Perfect. This woman has truly perfected the margarita.

Other neighbor's chocolate chip cookies: Not as good as the fruit tart, but I still ate plenty of them.

2nd glass of neighbor's margarita: Okay, maybe she makes them a little too strong.

2nd round of Outburst: Getting louder. And more fun. But fewer correct answers.

Neighbor's Fruit Tart (second slice): Mmmmmmmmm. Get this away from me.

3rd round of Outburst: Two women leave, so I offer to switch sides to even out the teams. I immediately start talking about how the cookies and tart are going straight to my hips. My masculinity takes a hit, but we win. By the time we get together for the Eagles game the neighborhood guys surely won't remember my switch to the dark side (I hope).

3rd glass of neighbor's margarita: aalllgggg mgmgm mmggg ggggggggggghdrrrr....

Never at a Loss for Words

Last weekend the whole family packed into the minivan and took a trip to Barnes & Noble in an attempt to stave off cabin fever. While there we picked up Scrabble. It has been so long since I’ve played Scrabble. Since the last time my vocabulary must have improved greatly, because I was on fire last night. I knew it was going to be a good night when I started off the game with sundry. Sundry, people. I don’t think I’ve ever used that word in my life, and yet my brain looked at the jumbled letters on my rack and came up with sundry. Granted, it wasn’t a rack-clearer, but still. Sundry! I went on to lay down plenty more five and six letter words. Later on, in desperation time (I carried three i’s for most of the game), I came out with vim. Vim!

It amazes me that my brain has been storing words that I never use. Just how big of a change this is cannot be understated. I finished off grade school with nine straight trimesters (three year's worth) of F’s in Spelling. That’s F F F F F F F F F. The only reason I got accepted into Holy Cross High School was that they combined my Spelling grades (F’s) and my Grammar grades (A’s & B’s) for an “English” grade of C. In my Freshmen year of high school, where Vocab was taught one quarter and English the next then Vocab then English, here’s what my report card looked like: F B F B. So you could say that Vocab was never really a strong point for me. I think my spelling ability is even picking up, which is weird because I've been assuming that using Spellchecker as a crutch has made it worse. Some of this might come from my seven-year-old constantly asking me how you spell things. He's like a walking pop quiz.

So bring on Ms. Anne Marie Byrnes and her Vocab tests. I’m ready.

[I’ve left out the fact that I whooped the missus’ butt in the above Scrabble match since she was in an drug-induced pre-bedtime trance for the game and wasn’t really in the mood to play, especially against someone who was getting a little too excited about the word vim. And if I've spelled anything wrong in this post, please be gentle.]

Great Advances in Technology

In the last two weeks, my seven-year-old son has bought two products that have been greatly improved over the originals. The first is the GameBoy Advance SP he wants to marry. The second is this:

That's right, scientist have finally created a self-inflating whoopee cushion! It's like a perpetual-motion laugh machine.

Fantastic Planet of Football

My Yahoo Fantasy Football draft was Thursday night. I sorted out my pick order (bumping T.O. up) and put some guys on the "Do Not Pick" list (Emmitt, all of Dallas and NYG) and let the computer do the rest. After a couple clean up trades Friday morning (dropped Maddox for Plummer, picked up a second D), I'm pretty happy with my team. Of course, there's four weeks for these guys to get hurt before the season starts.

QB M. Vick (Atl - QB)
WR T. Owens (Phi - WR)
WR P. Price (Atl - WR)
WR I. Bruce (StL - WR)
RB B. Westbrook (Phi - RB)
RB W. McGahee (Buf - RB)
TE B. Williams (NO - TE)
K J. Kasay (Car - K)
DEF Baltimore (Bal - DEF)
BN Minnesota (Min - DEF)
BN S. Janikowski (Oak - K)
BN A. Lelie (Den - WR)
BN D. Davis (Hou - RB)
BN R. McMichael (Mia - TE)
BN J. Plummer (Den - QB)

I'll kept you posted.