The Long Cut ...we'll get there eventually

Hee-Haw!

What can I say? I'm a sucker for the classics.

Advent Intent

Forget everything they told you in Sunday School, the Five-Year-Old fills us in on the real deal:

SAntA + PReSitS = CHRiStmAS

Now, who's this "bebbyjeejus" guy they keep talking about?

The Fickle Finger Of Freedom

This banner outside the National Constitution Center does a great job showing the spirit of America:

...but move a little to the left and you get an even better display of the spirit of Philadelphia:

Happy Flippin' Independence Day, Everybody!

Hey Madre Madre Madre Hey Madre Madre Swing Madre

Happy Mother's Day!

[Pictured is the garden swing the missus got for Mom's day. Not pictured is her sound asleep on it this afternoon.]

Flurry Blossom Time

The Easter weekend forecast for our trip to DC:

Brrrrr......

Technically, It's Three Hundred And Sixty-Fifth Night

What is First Night?

It's $10 buttons [times 4 equals $40]...

unusual venues...

brass quintets...

deranged llamas...

world-class cuisine [Congratulations! Great job, everybody!]...

super-cool singers...

Elvis...

no, no, fat Elvis...

friends of Elvis...

fireworks...

FIREWORKS!!!!...

and no alcohol.

[Okay, that last one was taken by the missus days before First Night, but I was contemplating the prospect of an alcohol-free New Year's Eve.]

It's Christmas! Let's Be Glad!

"It's Christmas! Let's Be Glad" - Sufjan Stevens [mp3] [buy it here]

Since it's Christmas, let's be glad,
Even if your life's been bad,
There are presents to be had.

Take a walk out in the snow,
And hear Santa's "Ho Ho Ho,"
He's got a million miles to go.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la.

Sing a carol to your mom,
'Cause she knows what's going on
And she knows if you've been bad or good

If you get what you deserve
To be graded on a curve
Oh, you've got a lot of nerve

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la.

Since the year is almost out,
Lift your hands and give a shout,
There's a lot to shout about, today.

Since it's Christmas, let's be glad,
Even if the year's been bad,
There are presents to be had.
A promotion for your dad,
Don't be angry don't be....

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Business

Not satisfied with the numbers he's getting from his two countdown calenders, the nine-year-old has started keeping track of how many business days are left before Christmas.

Now, Who Could It Be? Hmmm? Could It Be…

Nothing makes you realize how close the names "Santa" and "Satan" are more than seeing what your kid brings home from his school's Santa's Secret Shop.

And the thing is, none of it has changed since I was in grade school. I'll be getting the same exact gifts from my son that I foisted on my parents back in the day.

Man, karma really sucks.

And Who The Hell Is Randolph?

Despite what Chuck Berry thinks, I'm having a hard time believing that out of all the reindeer, it's Rudolph who should consider himself the mastermind. I'm just not seeing it. I've watched a lot of Christmas shows over my thirty-eight years and in my mind, the whole Christmas Eve thing wouldn't happen without Donner's planning. Dude knows how to handle a sleigh team.

Rudolph, on the other hand, always struck me as being a little slow - that he "takes the short sleigh" as the fawns might say. And I'm pretty sure he's the only one of the sled-pullers whose spot could easily be replaced by a $2 lightbulb. He may have been essential back in the old days, but we all know the only thing that's keeping him on Santa's payroll these days is that he's Donner's kid. Santa knows the deal.

(I'm starting to think that need to stop eating so much raw Christmas cookie batter.)

[Bruce isn't Chuck, but he'll do]:

The 2.5 Volt Torch Has Been Passed

Six hours, two trips to Home Depot and 900 colored lights later, the nine-year-old and I had quite the garish display going.

[The porch will be painted this coming Spring. Sheesh, it really isn't as bad as it looks in this shot, is it?]

Love The Parade, Hate The Camera

That's supposed to be Santa up on a firetruck. Yeah.

This photo sorta came out cool, though, in a bad trip kind of way:

Word has it that Santa might be putting a decent camera in my stocking.

Mild Turkey

Happy Thanksgiving!

Any Resemblance To Poultry Living Or Dead Is Purely Coincidental

Here's what you get when you let a nine-year-old decide what you're bringing to Granny and Pop Pop's for Thanksgiving dessert:

Now do this:

1. cover up the right side of that image with your hand and tell me if the first thing you think off when you see those things is "turkeys."
2. tell me where I'm supposed to find candy corn three weeks after Halloween (and I've already looked behind the server and all that's back there are a couple dusty m & m's).

And be sure to stay tuned for the results!

On The Other Hand, Most Of Us Don't Know How Many Shopping Days Are Left Before Our Birthday

Occasional Long Cut commenter and longtime sister Terry - whose birthday falls on December 25 - will sometimes express the shortcomings of being born on Christmas (and by "sometimes" I mean every chance she gets). She's not the only one with this problem, of course - in fact, there's a whole website dedicated to these whiners folks.

Luckily for her, and everyone else whose party always gets crashed by Baby Jesus, the Boston band The Slip has finally put her lament to music (and pretty good music, too). With Thanksgiving fast approaching, I thought I'd offer a download of the song in time for the holiday season, just so we don't forget those for whom "Noel" often means "no gift."

So here it is, just for Terry. (And Baby Jesus, of course - can't forget him.)

The Slip - "Children of December" [mp3]

All the parents of the children of December
Have a clutch
'Cause their birthdays are the hardest to remember
When you're born on Christmas
Or the day before new year's
They can sing out your birthday
But but but nobody hears
I was lucky I was born in the summer
Nineteen seventy five
It was as hot as an oven
Families that were lovin' each other in November
By April were planning all the new family members
But save one for the empirical boy with his empirical toys
The hots wheels the autobots and the deceptions
Everyone's waiting to see what he's worth
But he is invincible like a breeze on the earth

I was holding something
In my hands so tightly
I was afraid to let it go
I was afraid to even know
I was holding something
In my heart so tightly
I was afraid to let it go

Oh when you're born in December
It's hard to remember
Well the 90s have ended
So what do you call this decade?

I hold every person I meet like a treasure
I defend the ones I love to whatever the end is
And that's why I take it to you through the music
'Cause when the music's connected it's like everyone's protected
January is for Rosie
God bless Rosie
And February is for Tim
We all know about him
March is for my mama still winin' and dinin'
And April is for my my my my pop
May give to Jonas some
June is for the bass
Mine's July July July July July

All the parents of the children of December
Have a clutch
When you're born in Christmas
Or the day after new year's
They can sing out your birthday but but but but but but but
Make a little noise
Make a little sound

Oh when you're born in December
And no one remembers
Well the 90s have ended
So what do you call this decade?

And before a certain other Long Cut reader and longtime sister asks - if there's ever a song about having your half-birthday fall on Christmas, I'll post that one too.

Popcorn Shrimp

Folks want to know - what were the boys' Halloween costumes?

The one with the gluing and the popping and the not sticking? I'll let you figure out which of these it was:

The missus and I have a thing about not putting our kids' faces on the Internets, but I do want to show you the front of the popcorn box, since it involved the drawing and the coloring and the striping:

The four-year-old went as a well-known super-hero with a not-so-well-known wardrobe malfunction:

See that, sometimes the shot from behind (no pun intended) ends up being the cuter one.

Oh, and I went as the guy who's been forced to sit through one too many preschool holiday pageants (who also happens to be growing a beard):

I, too, look cuter from behind.

Hot & Buttered

Not really in the mood to post - not after spending all night putting the final touches on the nine-year-old's homemade Halloween costume.

I'm going to make you wait until tomorrow to find out what he's going as, but for now let me just say this: gluing popcorn to cardboard isn't as easy as it sounds. In fact, it's damn near impossible. I predict that "gluing popcorn" will one day replace the term "herding cats."

And a special note to the makers of Elmer's Glue-All: if your product doesn't work effectively on food, you can't really call it "Glue-All," now can you?

Waa Woo Waa Waa Waa

That must have been what the missus and I sounded like as we tried to explain, mostly to those under twenty-five, the costumes we wore to the Halloween party we went to earlier:

 

Okay, the shirts are pretty lame as far costumes go (they aren't technically costumes at all, but we're not real big Halloween people). Still, we had to explain to these people what "I got a rock" meant!

And they say we're letting kids watch too much TV?

[If this party we went to was any kind of gauge for the coming holiday, you'll be giving out candy to a lot of Steve Irwins on Tuesday. Crikey!]

No Time Like The Presents

Do you know what the four-year-old did today?

While we were out shopping, he asked me if he could make his Christmas list after we got back home. His Christmas list! The nine-year-old and I tried to explain to him just how far away Christmas was (even though the missus has already had to threaten to call Santa on him), but there seemed to be no changing his mind about it.

Luckily, he seemed to have forgotten all about his wish list by the time he woke up from his nap. Because really, who in there right mind is already... thinking... about... what... they... want... for...

Oh, sweet mercy, are those double-walled beer glasses?

Wow.

You know, there are only 121 shopping days left.

[Via Beer Smack, one of the many excellent beer blogs I've been hitting lately]

Father Time

It's a little late to wish the dads out there a happy Father's Day, so I'll just say that I hope your Father's Day was a good one and that the delivery date of your present wasn't pushed back to June 24th.

Not that I'm disappointed or anything.

[Actually, as long as I get taken out for my traditional pancake breakfast - which I was yesterday - I'm a happy father. Oh, and having a great family helps, too!]

Yeah, "He Is Risen" And All, But My Kids Let Me Sleep In Until 7:10 This Morning, And That's Pretty Awesome, Too

Easter Spring
Originally uploaded by MontanaRaven.

Happy Easter!

Present Perfect

Since the missus has disclosed her favorite Christmas gift (and I'm happy to say it was the one I was most proud of giving), I guess I should do the same.

While I love that the eight-year-old has been paying attention enough to get me a coffee maker (and the Starbucks gift card that Santa stuffed in my stocking put a smile on my face), the missus did a doubly good job picking out cd's for me this year. I can't decide which one I like better - Wilco's Kicking Television brings back memories of a great concert, but the documentary that came with Springsteen's Born to Run box is a lot of fun to watch. I guess I'll call it a tie.

What'd you get?

Christmas Is The Time To Say I Love You

Christmas is the time to say I love you
Share the joys of laughter and good cheer
Christmas is the time to say I love you
And a feeling that will last all through the year

On the corner carolers are singing
There's a touch of magic in the air
From grownup to minor no one could be finer
Times are hard but no one seems to care
Christmas Eve and all the world is watching
Santa guides his reindeer through the dark
From rooftop to chimney, from Harlem to Bimini
They will find a way into your heart

Christmas is the time to say I love you
Share the joys of laughter and good cheer
Christmas is the time to say I love you
And a feeling that will last all through the year

Just outside the window snow is falling
But here beside the fire we share the glow
Of moonlight and brandy, sweet talk and candy
Sentiments that everyone should know
Memories of the year that lays behind us
Wishes for the year that's yet to come
And it stands to reason that good friends in season
Make you feel that life has just begun

Christmas is the time to say I love you
Share the joys of laughter and good cheer
Christmas is the time to say I love you
And a feeling that will last all through the year

So when spirits grow lighter
And hopes are shinin' brighter
Then you know that Christmas time is here

- "Christmas Is The Time To Say I Love You," Billy Squier

[Photo: "Collingswood Wreath" by Ipso Photo]

Eve Of Destruction

Christmas Eve and I've got a whole stomachache/headache thing going. Lying here watching the missus do everything sucks. Sucks even more for her.

Off the bed. Merry Christmas to all, and to me a good night.

Holy Smokes!

10 Mildly Blasphemous Swears I've Been Known To Use When The Kids Are Around (like, say, while setting up the Christmas Tree):

1. Christ on a bike!
2. Jeez Louise!
3. Good Lord!
4. Christ Almighty!
5. Lord Almighty!
6. Good God Almighty!
7. Jesus Christmas!
8. For the love of God!
9. My God!
10. Jesus $&%^#^# Christ, why the $*^% do only half these &*%^%^$ lights want to work?!

It's all downhill from there.

[Speaking of Christmas, I'm taking suggestions for what to make for the neighborhood cookie exchange. Anyone?]

It's Tryptophan-tastic!

After I do my traditional running of the Turkey Day 5K this morning, we'll be doing the over the river and through Lower Bucks County thing today.

Before all that I wanted you to see what the eight-year-old made in Sunday School. That's me up on the top, between Web Sudoku and video games. The missus is on the tree somewhere, but my scanner is only so big (and look - he's thankful for thanksgiving).

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!

Signs O' The Times

Here are a couple o' signs I've encountered lately:

The first was posted up and down the street by my eight-year-old on Sunday. He theorized that our neighbors could thwart local teen hooligans by tp'ing their own houses in some strange preemptive move. And somehow we bought into this wacky idea. And so did a few of the parents of his friends. This morning it was easy to tell who on the block didn't fall for his crazy theory because their yards were nice and clean. That's right, no teen vandalism, just grade-schooler vandalism. Sanctioned vandalism. Vandalism benefiting from parental consent. We somehow thought that it would be smart to let our own kid tp our own house with our own toilet paper. This just proves that we're not getting enough sleep.

And here's a sign left on my windshield (while my car was parked at the train station) a few weeks ago:

Okay, yes, I still have my Kerry/Edwards sticker on my bumper. Maybe that makes me a loser, but at least I'm not so big a loser that I leave notes - typed notes - on other cars. Unknown Dude, why do you care what I have on my car? If the president needs nutcases like you putting little "urgent notices" on non-supporters' cars, then the White House is in worse shape than I thought. Here's an idea, from now on when you see my Kerry sticker imagine that it says "don't blame me, I voted for Kerry," because that's the message I want to convey. I would think that that was pretty obvious, but you Bush guys do seem to be a little slow on the uptake. Here's an even better idea - next time you see my pathetic KIA minivan in the PATCO parking lot think, "good lord, when is this guy going to clean all that bird crap off his pathetic KIA minivan?" Leaving a note for that I could understand. (Since I have no idea who put this note on my car, I responded by putting a Corzine for Governor sticker on the van before I left for work the next morning - right next to the Kerry sticker.)

Norm!!!

Very little time to blog today - went from the farmer's market to baking cookies to the Philadelphia Bloggers meetup and now I'm off to a costume party (and after that we're going to a neighborhood scavenger hunt party - thank God for that extra hour of sleep). I made a last minute decision to give up on my planned costume (a wizard) and go as my hero:

That's This Old House's Norm Abram for those of you who are allergic to home improvement shows. But can you guess which one is the real Norm?

Photo credit: The Missus.

Oh, Sure, There's That Whole "Imperialist Genocide" Rap, But C'mon, He Was A Cartographer Too! Who Doesn't Love A Cartographer?

So, after a nice, relaxing day off with the family, I check my Blogline feeds and find out that I've got about 300 posts waiting for me! People, it's Columbus Day! Take a day off.

As a fellow cartographer (a fellow I-talian cartographer), I think everyone should honor the man like I did: with a trip to IKEA. And now, apparently, with the reading of 300 friggin' blog posts.

Did You Know? - I once (around age 8?) played a Native American (back then they were called Indians) on a Knights of Columbus parade float. All I remember is the boy playing ol' Chris had a mustache made up of hair clipped from the back of his head and stuck to his face with chewing gum. I can't remember exactly what the plot of the float's little story was, but I'm pretty sure that the Knights weren't into that "critical pedagogy" thing.

If I Ever Start Waxing Gibbous, Just Shoot Me

From the Birthday Calculator (via Karen).

• Your date of conception was on or about 13 November 1967.
• You were born on a Monday under the astrological sign Leo.
• The year 1968 was a leap year.
• There are 306 days till your next birthday on which your cake will have 38 candles on it.
• The moon's phase on the day you were born was waxing gibbous.
• As of 10/3/2005 3:21:59 PM CDT

• You are 37 years  old.
• You are 446 months  old.
• You are 1,939 weeks  old.
• You are 13,573 days old.
• You are 325,767 hours old.
• You are 19,546,041 minutes old.
• You are 1,172,762,519 seconds old.

Another cool, and somewhat related, site is How Old Do You Think I Am? (via Paige). Careful, you might find yourself playing on that site for hours.

Ho Ho Oh Boy

The missus has asked me to figure out a way for her to have her Amazon wishlist on her blog like I do (you've all bookmarked my wishlist by now, right?). TypePad only allows you to create one wishlist icon per account (and I ain't giving up mine) so I'm trying to come up with a work-around. I'm pretty sure I can do it, but to make it look good is going to take some PhotoShop time.

Anyway, since I'm sure the reason the missus asked for this is because Christmas is fast approaching, and since I was looking at some old emails, and since it's 11pm on a Saturday and it's really too pathetic for me to be blogging right now (though it's not like I would be out partying if I wasn't posting), I thought I would post an old email the missus received from the big guy a few years ago:

From: Santa Claus
Date: Sunday, December 02, 2001
To: Dee
Subject: A Letter To Dee

Hello Ho Ho Dee!

This is a letter just for you, making sure that you are being a good little girl this winter. Are you being good to your family? You're not getting on your wonderful husband's case all the time, are you? Thanks for decorating the tree yesterday with [the then-four-year-old], I know Mark appreciated that. Feel free to break the bank for his gifts, he's worth every cent!

Gotta go go go, see you soon,

Love Santa.

Oh, that Santa, he's so funny. And so right.

Happy Memorial Day

Me (with flag) and my best friend Franklin, 1975.

Communion Host and Hostess

Today was the crazy day that hopefully ended a week full of crazy days for me and the missus; today was the seven-year old's First Communion. Planning for the mass wasn't very crazy - just buying the boy a suit, making sure he made the many many many practices that were scheduled, and getting him to the church on time. The craziness came from getting ready for party that came afterward.

Despite us spending way to much time debating and planning food options (thought about having Red Hot & Blue cater it before realizing getting platters from the supermarket would be easier), it still seemed like everything came down to the last few days.

I had spent my two-day vacation from work making sure that the outside of our house looked presentable (in case we lucked out weather-wise and could have an outdoor party) and cleaning up the inside of the house (in case we didn't). It was a good thing I did, since the day started out chilly (so the party started inside) but then warmed up and turned out to be a beautiful day (since the predicted high winds never showed up, we were able to move the party outside).

But before any of that could happen I had to set up the party tent last night, visit the wholesale club for some last minute things, hit Target for black socks for the boy, and pick up a Mother's Day gift and Mother's Day & Anniversary cards (both fall on the same day this year). This morning I had to pick up the cake, the platters (the food platters, not the 60's R&B group the Platters), and the boutonniere and get the family to the church by ten. But we made it.

The ceremony itself was very nice. If any of the kids made a mistake I didn't notice it, the boy looked great in his fancy duds (and he knew it), and they even had a cool digital slideshow of the kids. As much work as we parents put into today, the CCD people must have put in ten times more.

My blogging has suffered a bit while I've been doing non-stop yardwork. I'm a few days behind on the daily photos but I promise I'll catch up and, through some crafty back-dating, have seven photos for you to vote on tomorrow. I was able to finally get around to responding to the comments left on my 05/05/05 and Wilco posts.

Now I must catch up on my sleep...

Take Five

In addition to being Cinco de Mayo, today is also 05/05/05. And we all know what a geek I am when it comes to weird dates.

So to celebrate this unique date, I have compiled five lists of five things having to do with five.

Top 5 "Five" Bands:

1. The MC5 (for "Kick Out The Jams" alone)
2. The Minus Five (You really should be listening to these guys)
3. The Jackson 5 (It's a shame Tito ended up so bizarre)
4. Ben Folds Five (At one time - before he went all Billy Joel on us)
5. The Dave Clark 5 (Named for the drummer!)

Bottom 5 "Five" Bands:

1. Five For Fighting
2. Jump 5
3. Maroon 5
4. The 5th Dimension
5. 5ive (just for the corny name)

Top 5 Baseball Players To Wear 5:

1. Joe DiMaggio
2. Johnny Bench
3. Brooks Robinson
4. George Brett
5. Hank Greenberg

Top 5 Dumbest Sounding "Five" Movies:

1. Count Five And Die ("Okay, um, one, two, three, four, four and a quarter, four and a half...")
2. The Beast With Five Fingers (a.k.a. When The Adams Family's Thing Goes Bad)
3. The Five Pound Man ("Man, Steve, I think you can get off that Atkins thing already")
4. Five Giants From Texas (And yet I'm guessing they're all mental midgets)
5. Went To Coney Island On A Mission From God...Be Back By Five (Starred John Cryer. Hey John, there's no need to rush back on my account.)

5 "Five" Books You Couldn't Pay Me To Read:

1. Mars and Venus on a Date: A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship by John Gray (Dude, enough already with the Mars and the Venus, we got it the first twenty times)
2. Your Five Year Old: Sunny and Serene by Louise Bates Ames (Cause that's just a big fat lie)
3. Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman (Can't...stop...gag...reflex)
4. My First Five Years: A Record of Early Childhood by Anne Geddes (Someone make her stop, please)
5. The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom (While you're at it, make him stop, too)

Official Partee Animul

That's what it says on the t-shirt my two three-year old got at Chick-fil-A today (it's got one of those "Eat Mor Chikin" cows on it). I have to say I was very impressed with the Chick-fil-A (or as he says "Chickie Fay") birthday party. The place was very clean and the workers were super nice. We had a few McDonald's parties for the seven-year old when he was younger, but ever since Super Size Me we try to avoid Mickey D's. I know that Chick-fil-A is still fast food, but it offers a lot more healthy stuff than McDonalds. The missus and I also know that fast food birthday parties aren't the greatest party you can give your kid, but trying to host parties at home just gets us too worked up and trying to have an "event" party, like at the local childrens' museum, is just too expensive. Once he gets older we'll get the three-year old's parties out of the fast food joints and into the bowling alleys and skating rinks and pool halls.

Dessert for the party was provide by yours truly. I spent Thursday night making six dozen cupcakes (three dozen for the party at his nursery school, three dozen for the real party). Actually, I made nine dozen cupcakes, but the first batch was bad because for some reason they insist that you remember to put eggs in the batter. Making the batter for cupcakes is easier than it is for making cookies. That's because I use box cake mix (Alton Brown said I could - he said cake mix companies have access to certain helpful ingredients that home bakers do not and he is never wrong). And since a batch of cupcakes takes twenty minutes to cook, you don't have to run around the kitchen as much as when you're making cookies. Still, I prefer the cookie baking. That's either from my satisfaction in making the cookies from scratch or my liking raw cookie batter a lot more than raw cake batter.

After the party was another Little League game. We finally got to play against the seven-year old's best friend/arch-nemesis (who's team was undefeated going into the game). We squeezed in four innings before the thunder started rumbling, and came out ahead, 7-4. The seven-year old walked twice and didn't get hit by any pitches. He also finally got to field a ball and did a great job of getting the ball back into the infield. I'd call that a good game.

Busy day today, but somehow our calendar is miraculous and thankfully blank for tomorrow.

What She Said

I could tell you all about our Easter weekend in "America's Greatest Family Resort" Ocean City, NJ, but why bother when the missus has done all the work for me. Besides, I've got about a kabillion posts lined up in my Bloglines queue that I still have to read.

Basket Case

As Christopher Guest once said on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Edition:

Before we go on, I would like to extend our Christian friends best wishes for a joyous Easter, to our Jewish friends a happy Passover and to our Snake Worshipers of Satan friends, have a nice day...

We are spending our Easter weekend down in Ocean City, just like we did last year. After attending Easter service at the Music Pier, we'll have dinner tonight at Bubba Mac's Shack on the mainland. Nothing says Easter like finger-lickin' BBQ!

My Easter gift to my readers is the latest song the two-year old has learned at nursery school:

[Sung to the melody of "Frère Jacques"]

God our Father,
God our Father,
Once again,
Once again,
We thank You for these blessings,
We thank You for these blessings,
Ahhh-men,
Ahhh-men.

Isn't that just the cutest thing? Here's the religious song I'm trying to teach him:

"When The President Talks To God" - By Bright Eyes

When the president talks to God
Are the conversations brief or long?
Does he ask to rape our womens' rights
And send poor farm kids off to die?
Does God suggest an oil hike
When the president talks to God?

When the president talks to God
Are the consonants all hard or soft?
Is he resolute all down the line?
Is every issue black or white?
Does what God say ever change his mind
When the president talks to God?

When the president talks to God
Does he fake that drawl or merely nod?
Agree which convicts should be killed?
Where prisons should be built and filled?
Which voter fraud must be concealed
When the president talks to God?

When the president talks to God
I wonder which one plays the better cop
We should find some jobs. the ghetto's broke
No, they're lazy, George, I say we don't
Just give 'em more liquor stores and dirty coke
That's what God recommends

When the president talks to God
Do they drink near beer and go play golf
While they pick which countries to invade
Which Muslim souls still can be saved?
I guess god just calls a spade a spade
When the president talks to God

When the president talks to God
Does he ever think that maybe he's not?
That that voice is just inside his head
When he kneels next to the presidential bed
Does he ever smell his own bullsh*t
When the president talks to God?

I doubt it

I doubt it

Friendly

Happy St. Pat’s Day (what’s left of it). It was kind of an anti-climatic holiday for this Mick (technically half-Mick). The missus and kids are all suffering through various sicknesses, and all three are sporting fevers. Their appetites weren’t very strong, so for an Irish meal I ended up opening a can of Trader Joe’s Beef Stew for dinner as a substitute for Irish Stew. I didn’t even have a stout in the house, so I had to settle for a pale ale (which I did not dye green – how in the world can anyone who claims to love beer do that?). I did talk the boys into making some lemon pudding and dying it green. Nasty looking stuff. Kind of neon-ish. Had two servings.

I wanted to post about last night’s meetup for the Philly bloggers. About twelve of us met-up at Independence Brew Pub in the Reading Terminal Headhouse. I’m pretty sure everyone had a great time. It was cool to finally put faces to names (except for Scott from Blankbaby, who’s the only one amongst us brave enough to post his likeness on his blog – so we already knew what he looked like). Great beer – IBP’s Oatmeal Stout was like a meal, and so fresh tasting. Great conversation - everyone started in like they already knew each other which, thanks to the blogs, they really already did. A lot of great ideas and conversations flying around the table.

I even got to not only see Dragonballyee’s $$$ camera, but look through the viewfinder. I was only kidding when I told him I was more interested in meeting his camera than meeting him (well, mostly kidding). I used to think that if I had a camera like his I could take great pictures like him, but after seeing all the knobs and buttons I doubt I’d even know how to turn the camera on.

The only bad part of the whole night was when I got home I realized that I didn’t chip in for the fries. Next month I’ll pay double, I promise. The funniest part of the night may have been when the barmaid asked me what we were meeting about:

Me: Blogging.
Her: [Vacant Stare]
Me: Blogs?
Her: [Blink]
Me: Weblogs?
Her: [Blink, blink]
Me:Uh...Web stuff?
Her: Oh. [Slowly backs away].

Thanks to Karl (the brains behind the Philly Future site), Scott, and everyone else who had a hand in organizing this get-together. Looking forward to the next one.

[The above photo is from the Commodore Barry statue behind Independence Hall. The image has been heavily Photoshop’d to bring out the Irish in it.]

It's a Symbol of Our Faith (and a Bitchin' Party Favor!)

The missus, being a teacher and all, often buys crafts for her students from Oriental Trading, which sells crappy arts-and-craft and party-bag items cheap and in packs of twelve. She has also bought party favors from them for my sons' parties. The seven-year-old has even saved up his allowance and gotten stuff from them. Thanks to their low-quality, he quickly becomes either bored or frustrated by about the third one. Thanks to their high-quantity, the remaining nine from the set never get used and end up all over our house. We get a catalog from them about, oh, twelve times a week and each one that comes has the seven-year-old salivating. Yesterday he was showing me all the cool Easter party stuff they had.  Do things like the He Lives Beach Ball strike anyone else as being maybe a teeny bit sacrilegious?

No? How about the He Lives Yo-Yo, Pinwheel, Squishy Ball, Football, or Slinky? If those things aren't enough to send the Oriental Trading CEO to Hell, this one's got to get the Father, Son and Holy Spirit pretty cheesed off:

See, sometimes it's not such a bad idea to stick to the secular parts of a religious holiday.

Who is the intended audience for these products? Other than a certain seven-year-old with way too much allowance to spend and those hipsters buying them for their ironic value, there shouldn't be a big demand for these things. The religious should be offended and the non-religious shouldn't be interested. Who's left?

A Christmas Wish

If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

If I had two wishes that I could wish for this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace.. and the second would be for $30 million a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank account.

You know, if I had three wishes that I could make this holiday season, first, of course, would be for all the children to get together and sing.. the second would be for the $30 million every month to me.. and the third would be for all encompassing power over every living being thing in the entire universe.

And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, first would be the crap about the kids.. second would be for the $30 million.. the third would be for all the power.. and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year for an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought about slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model Paulina somebody, I can't think of her name, of course my lovely wife could come, too. She's behind me 100% on this, I guarantee you.

Wait a minute, maybe that sex thing should be the first wish! So, if I made that the first wish, because, you know, it could all go boom tomorrow, and then what have you got? No, no.. the kids singing would be great, that would be nice. No, no, who am I kidding! I mean, they're not gonna be able to get all those kids together! I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible! It's more trouble than it's worth! So, we reorganize: here we go. First, the sex - we go with that; second, the money. No! We go with the power second, then the money, and then the kids. Oh, wait, oh geez! I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay.. revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in Hell! That would be the fourth wish! And of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of peace and harmony. Thank you, everybody.

- Steve Martin, Saturday Night Live December 6, 1986

Seeing the Lights

I met a German girl in England who was goin’ to school in France – Chuck Berry, "It Wasn’t Me"

The missus was unpacking my two-year-old son’s backpack that he uses for nursery school and pulled out a picture of a menorah that he colored. She asked him if he was learning about Hanukkah at school. Umm… yeah! (Yeah is always preceded by umm). So the missus next asks if he knows what Hanukkah is. Umm...Yeah, eight days.

Cute story, but what’s really cool is that a local Lutheran church runs my son’s nursery school. In this age where religion is such a politicized topic that major networks won’t run an ad by the United Church of Christ, who just wants to make it clear that - like Jesus said - all should be welcome at church (because it’s message is too controversial), my 32-month-old Roman Catholic son is learning Jewish traditions from a Lutheran teacher. Just another reason why we love our son’s nursery school.

Happy Hanukkah everyone!

A Few of My Favorite Things

I took this picture of carolers on the steps of the rehabbed Zane School Building during the Collingswood Christmas tree lighting. One of the best things about Christmas is the music. I love Christmas music, both modern and traditional. In my book (missal?), Christmas music is second only to May Crowning songs for cool church music. Oh, like you don't think about these things.

As for the modern music, the missus and I have a tradition of picking up a Christmas CD each year and through the years we have compiled quite an eclectic collection. While I’m not sure exactly what order we picked these albums up in, I can tell you that this tradition goes back so far that the first two are on cassette!

A Charlie Brown Christmas - The Vince Guaraldi Trio. A must have. One of the few Christmas specials to put some serious thought into its soundtrack.

A Christmas Gift for You From Phil Spector – Phil Spector & Various Artists. You know you’re making a musical impact on your kids when your son recognizes Darlene Love’s voice at age four. The Wall of Sound hasn’t held up well on cassette, I need to get this on CD.

The Alligator Records Christmas Collection – Various Artists. A great mix of old-time blues and Creole country. Includes Saffire – the Uppidity Blues Women’s take on modern day holiday blues, "One Parent Christmas."

White Christmas – Al Green. Picked this up because the Reverend Green sings some of my favorite R&B songs. The CD isn’t quite in the same league as “Let’s Stay Together,” but there’s no denying that the guy’s having a ball singing carols.

A Different Kind of Christmas – Various Artists. My favorite Christmas CD, with only one low point (Fishbone’s “It’s a Wonderful Life”). Lots of great obscure stuff (Syd Straw, the db’s, Poi Dog Pondering) and beautiful songs from Bruce Cockburn and T-Bone Burnett.

Merry Christmas from Motown – Various Artists. Old School Motown, not the new stuff. Not as good as Phil Spector’s Wall of Christmas Sound, but pretty close. Worth it just for the baritone of the Temptations "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer." Also the only way Michael Jackson (as part of the Jackson 5) gets played in our house.

Cool Christmas Blues – Charles Brown. – The coolest Christmas vibe this side of the Charlie (no relation) Brown Soundtrack. Includes "Merry Christmas Baby" and "Please Come Home For Christmas" straight from the original source.

A New Wave Christmas: Just Can't Get Enough – Various Artists. 80’s pop Christmas music with very few clunkers. A good mix of obscure and favorites. Includes perhaps the greatest Christmas love song of all time, the Pogues and Kirsty MacColl doing "Fairytale of New York". I’m pretty sure it’s the only Christmas song with the line “You’re an old slut on junk” in it, and it’s still one of the most beautiful love songs of all time.

Maybe this Christmas – Various Artists. – The Maybe series all seem to have a 50/50 good/bad mix of music, but the good make them worth having. This one is worth it for Ron Sexsmith’s title song and great takes on some classics by Coldplay and Bright Eyes.

Nick at Nite: A Classic Cartoon Christmas - Various Artists. You know, for the kids. Includes great tunes from the Muppets, who weren’t cartoons, but then again neither was Rudolph.

Christmas Gumbo – Fats Domino. Original bought from the remainder bin as a bit of a joke, but has become a favorite. A great N’Awlins take on the standards.

When My Heart Finds Christmas – Harry Connick Jr. You know, for the missus. Oh, all right, I admit that when Sinatra’s not available Harry’s just fine. The guy really does have talent and it’s displayed here on a couple of his originals, which sound like they came straight from the 40’s.

Maybe This Christmas Too – Various Artists. Once you get past Avril Lavigne’s fingernails on chalkboard take on "O Holy Night", this is a pretty good CD. Good mix of the beautiful and the goofy.

We still haven’t picked up this year’s CD yet. The obvious choice would be Maybe This Christmas Tree (that’s a pun, not a misspelling) but it doesn’t have a lot of recognizable names for me. Plus it has Pilate, another band I never heard of, doing "Fairytale of New York," which I believe was done perfect the first time and shouldn’t be touched. I’ve long wanted to get a Beach Boys Christmas album, but the missus has always overruled me.

Maybe this Christmas…

Yule Time

On a related note to yesterday’s post, my Christmas wish list entered the hardware department Sunday, thanks to a couple Black & Decker ads during the Eagles game.

The Black & Decker BULLSEYE Crosshair 90-Degree Auto Leveling Laser is a lot like the Bullet Laser Level that I’ve wanted for a while, except it shoots a laser both horizontally and vertically. As the missus knows, asking me to hang a picture brings about procrastination on an epic scale. That’s because very few things can ruin my day more than hanging a picture crooked. This isn’t just a tool; it’s a marriage saver.

The Black & Decker ATM100 25' Auto Tape Measure is more of a toy than a necessity, but what a jaw-dropping toy. A tape measure that retracts and extends at the touch of a button? Pinch me. I consider myself a connoisseur of tape measures, and while I’ll never give up my Stanley PowerLock, the ATM100 would instantly gain a spot of honor on my workbench.

If you’re keeping track, here are the other Christmas wishes I have made. I’ve also listed them on my sidebar, under “Wishing for…” (I don’t even pretend to think that many people care, but the missus keeps bugging me about making a list).

500 Miles Standish

Peanut's Linus is such an obvious self-rightous bleeding-heart liberal that he could be the patron saint of the Accidental Blogist. Since we're going over the river and through the woods (well, lower Bucks County) I'll hand my Thanksgiving post over to him:

"In the year 1621, the Pilgrims had their first Thanksgiving feast. They invited the great Indian Chief Massasoit, who brought ninety of his brave Indians and a great abundance of food. Governor William Bradford and Captian Miles Standish were honored quests. Elder William Brewster, who was a minister, said a prayer that went something like this: We thank God for our homes and our food and our safety in a new land. We thank God for the opportunity to create a new world for freedom and justice!"

Amen. Let's Eat!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Short Shrift

Think of all the dumb things I write about. Now think of all the dumb things that I don't write about. Where do they go?

Throughout the week I bookmark interesting items that I might want to write about. At the end of the week I end up with the leftovers. Not substantial enough for its own post, too good (at least at one time) to let go. Here goes this week's:

1. Food Network keeps airing All Star Thanksgiving and I keep missing it. It's on this Saturday and again Sunday, both at 4:00pm. What's so special about it? Picture all the Food Network cooks together in one room. Rachael Ray. Emeril Lagasse. Alton Brown (pictured above). Sara Moulton. Tyler Florence. Paula Deen. I'm not crazy about most of these guys (except Alton and Rachael and maybe Tyler) but it's worth watching just to see the vibe between Alton and Emeril. Until they have a steel-cage fight between these two, this will have to do.

2. Congrats to Mark Winegardner who, after winning a contest, has written the first post-Mario Puzo Godfather sequel. Winegardner is the author of one of my favorite novels, Crooked River Burning. Here's hoping he doesn't get pigeon-holed into writing just Godfather books or get his kneecaps broken by angry Puzo fans. I'm hoping readers use the Godfather Returns as an entry point to all of Winegardner's writing.

3. I hope everyone noticed my new improved header banner and revised and detailed list of sites I hit ("Hitting..." on the sidebar).

4. And lastly, from McSweeney's, Cruel Nicknames for Overweight Vampires:

Snackula
Undead Weight
Count Chocoholic
Vampire the Buffet Slayer
Cholesteratu
The Vampurgler
The Vampire Lestop For Some Tacos
Vlad the Inhaler
Child Of Candy Cain
Quiche Lilith
Ghoulash
Queen of the Hammed
Taco Bela
Bela Obesi
Transylvania 6-5000 Calories
Dick Cheney
Das Vhoppyr

Have a great weekend!

The New Best Christmas Hint

One little addition to my last Christmas hint post: Cook's Illustrated the New Best Recipe.

Last Thursday the Philadelphia Inquirer Food section reviewed both the New Best Recipe book and Gourmet magazine's the Gourmet Cookbook. Gourmet is everything I don't want, complicated haughty-taughty recipes that take a week to prepare. But Cook's Illustrated are the people behind America's Test Kitchen, perhaps the best show on PBS now that This Old House has become This Old Millionaire's House.

Much like the Food Network's Good Eats, but without Alton Brown's goofiness, ATK goes step-by-step through everyday dishes. It explains the science behind cooking so you can decide when it's safe to alter a recipe and when it's not. It reviews products and kitchen utensils and lets you know when costlier doesn't mean better (did you know that you can substitute imitation vanilla extract for the real stuff at half the price, with no discernable difference?). As I watch each episode I think, I could make that. (I think the same thing watching New Yankee Workshop but deep down I know that I can't really match Norm without my very own Porter-Cable Model 3700L 10" Compound Mitre Saw with Twinlaser, but I'll save that for another wishlist.)

The cookbook that I currently rely on when I need attempt a new recipe or refresh my memory on an old one is my copy of the Joy of Cooking. While Joy was updated a few years back to make it more user-friendly and practical, my copy is eleven years old and is definitely not user-friendly or practical. I pretty much only bring it out for it's french toast recipe and it's measurement conversion chart. There's just way too many recipes in Joy that I'll never use (I don't see me making Mountain Oysters anytime soon).

From the Inky review it sounds like New Best Recipes is just what I want: recipes of food my family actually would want to eat. We are desperate to add some new dishes to our menu. It's probably also full of cookie recipes and I would be willing to attempt every last one of them (just in case the missus made it down this far).

So that's pushes my wishlist to three items and I'm sure I'm not done. But nothing will match my 7-year-old's epic list (cribbed from the list emailed to Santa):

Beyblade and arena
Karaoke machine
a Jakks Pacific Ms. Pac Man game
a Driving Force steering wheel for Lego Racers 2
CD ROM games ( like the Incredibles, Roller Coaster Tycoon 3, or whatever you think would be cool)
a remote control car
a Mario Golf Advance Tour (Gameboy)
Yu-Gi-Oh! Destiny board traveler
Nick Tunes Freeze Frame Frenzy
Spongebob Square Pants (Gameboy)
Tony Hawk's Underground 2 (Gameboy)
a rock polishing kit
a frog spoapstone carving kit
a radio controlled car kit
a camping lantern with remote control
a solar car kit
a bubblegum kit
Shrek 2 DVD
a Shrek 2 GBA Game
a seascope
a radio controlled rush plane
EZ balance stilts
Air powered rockets
pulley
baseball cards

And it won't be a merry Christmas unless he gets everything (not that he will).

The Only Christmas Hint That Matters

My wife says she already has an idea of what she's getting me for Christmas, but that doesn't mean you do! Only 93 more shopping days left.

Yesterday the greatest album ever, from the Only Band that Matters was reissued. The Clash's London Calling [Legacy Edition] includes the original album plus the previously unreleased "Vanilla Tapes," tapes made while the band was rehearsing the material that would become London Calling. Also included is a DVD documentary on the making of the album.

Also on my music wish list is The Wilco Book. Mostly a photo book but it also includes a 40-minute CD of unreleased material. That's scheduled to come out in November.

Wilco is perhaps the Only Band that Still Matters. Especially after hearing R.E.M.'s newest CD today. After two listens to Around the Sun I cannot get excited about this album. Which is ironic, since I'm sure the band put it out on the web two weeks before its release date to get people excited. I remember when a new R.E.M. album was an event, I would go out on my lunch break to get it that day. I don't think that has happened since Monster ten years ago. I'll give the new one a couple more listens before deciding, but so far it sound like more of the same.